These Words from My Father Which Helped Us during my time as a Brand-New Dad

"I think I was just just surviving for the first year."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the demands of fatherhood.

However the actual experience rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a good place. You need assistance. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and regain his footing.

His situation is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While people is now more accustomed to talking about the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are part of a wider inability to open up among men, who still internalise harmful ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a sign of being weak to ask for help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to take a respite - taking a couple of days overseas, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he required a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of looking after a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "bad actions" when in his youth to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the body - a good diet, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their pain, altered how they talk, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I think my job is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are on this path."